TRAGEDY: God's Crusader Fred Phelps Catches The Gay

San Francisco (ANTI) The world weeps today as another valiant crusader against the pink menace has fallen. Reverend Fred Phelps, pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church, was seen Wednesday rushing through Golden Gate Park at sunset wielding an ungodly 15" red double headed dildo wearing a homo flag on his lapel and a depraved cheshire cat grin that could only belong on a man seeking out the damning pleasure of faggotry.

Friends and Family of the wayward preacher were busy organizing the full frontal assault of Minnesota and say that they had not noticed his absence until today.

"He did say that he has been feeling a bit strange lately" reported his daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, "ever since that faggot sneezed on him at the last protest... he's been humming show tunes under his breath..."

As soon as the photo's were posted on the internet, a member of the congregation spotted them and alerted Phelps's family. Thankfully, one of Phelps's grand-daughters was in California with him where they were scheduled to go on Jerry Springer. She drove to San Francisco in a rental car as soon as she was alerted and managed to retrieve Phelps from the bushes in Golden Gate Park where it is said he was found sleeping off his 8 to 10 hour anal orgy.

Phelps was admitted to the UCSF Medical Center and after having his stomach pumped, he was submitted to battery of testing that lasted through most of the morning. The results were startling and while they were a possibility, no one was ready to hear the earth shaking truth. It was confirmed that Fred Phelps had contracted The Gay. "Homosexuality is a disease." confirmed Dr. Adam Morrison, a leading scholar in the fields of genetics and microbiology. "Not only is homosexuality a disease, but that it has successfully mutated into an air-born plague. One misplaced cough and you could be singing Cher songs while dancing on a table in nothing but platinum wig and a studded leather codpiece," warned Dr. Morrison.

As of 2:30 this afternoon, Kansas, Kentucky, Utah and West Virginia have sealed their borders and closed their airports. We will report more as it happens.

Ron Paul throws first pitch in San Fran, STRIKES OUT BONDS!

Ron Paul: Cannon!

Hank Aaron may not have been on hand for the momentous event in which Barry Bonds launched his 765th home run into right center field, but Ron Paul was. When asked to throw out the first pitch, the 72-year-old congressman was delighted and took time from his rigorous schedule posting articles about himself on Digg.com to fly out to San Francisco and perform the honor first made famous by President William Taft back in 1910. It seemed only appropriate that this presidential underdog should pit himself against the other man of the hour, Barry Bonds, who was on the home stretch to blazing his way into the record books with his home run tie breaker. While he did just that in the fourth inning, if he had hoped to get that home run off of Ron Paul, he was sadly disappointed. The septuagenarian took the field to a wild round of applause from the audience, and trotted to the mound wearing his Texas Rangers ball cap and jacket. Silence fell over the crowd as he worked out his throwing arm. He then nodded his head to Bonds, whipped his arm back and fired a 113.7mph curve ball that knocked catcher Brian Schneider off his feet and onto his back some three feet away.

Schneider, a veteran of ceremonial pitching (catching President George W Bush's ceremonial pitch in 2005,) was completely unprepared for a ball traveling at record breaking speed coming from a senator old enough to be his grandfather. Later, when asked to comment Schneider said only, "That scared the piss out of me."

Schneider refused to catch the next two pitches (clocked at 110.3 and 114.2mph) that struck Barry Bonds out before the first inning even began.

As of press time, Bonds has refused comment.

I will REMOVE the fucking toilet seat if you don't shut up

Posted on Everything2.com by moJoe (me) years and years ago.


I will REMOVE the fucking toilet seat if you don't shut up (idea)


I have never once in my entire life been asked nicely to leave the toilet seat in some specific position. It seems as if it is some sort of rule that women cannot simply request this of someone, they have to break into a song-like rant, spitting obscenities and shaking their finger at you. I by no means wish to clump ALL women into this group. I am not leaving out the possibility that only women I associate with have this problem. So basically, when I refer to "women" in this little rant, take it with a grain of salt. You know who you are....those women...

Recently, while watching "Bill Cosby Himself" with my girlfriend, I noted that during a joke he was doing, he said something about leaving the toilet lid down as being a bad thing. My girlfriend explained, while glaring at me, that leaving the lid and the seat down is just as bad if not worse than leaving both of them up. This is apparently due to the fact that when one has to pee, they plop down on the lid, cannot tell that it is down and begin to pee on the lid.

I have been told the exact same reason for all of this from every girl who has screamed at me for it and it has got to be one of the stupidest admissions that I have ever heard in my entire life.

"We don't always look before we sit down, and sometimes at night we don't even turn on the light."

This is a deficiency. This admission, made almost with pride, says two things to me:

1. I make unwarranted assumptions.
2. I am militantly unaware of my environment.

So as a male, apparently I am expected to make up for this deficiency by making sure that the lid is always left in the correct position. In the interest of not falling into the toilet and/or urinating on myself, I always make sure to look before I sit down. I find the concept of "not looking" interesting. How exactly does one not see the condition of the toilet before sitting on it? The only solutions I have been able to come up with on my own (since females seem uninterested or unable to tell me) are these:

1. Women enter the bathroom with their eyes closed or while staring at the ceiling.
2. Women open the bathroom door and then proceed to back into the bathroom using their rear-end to locate the toilet.
3. Women only do bathroom business after daylight hours and are incapable of and/or unwilling to operate a light switch.
4. All women are very cleverly hiding the fact that they are born blind.
5. Toilets/toilet seats are diabolically engineered to be completely invisible to women.
   

One time, when I was about seven, my skinny little ass fell into the toilet because I had left the toilet seat and lid up. Having no girth to speak of I fell right in and dipped my bare hiney in the cold (yet thankfully clean) toilet water. This was not only embarrassing but uncomfortable as well. Since that day, I have never fallen into or even come close to falling into the toilet. Might I also remind everyone that men sit down, too. Personally in the comfort of my own home (where the toilet seat is relatively clean), I rather prefer sitting down due to the fact that it is plainly less taxing and requires no aiming or standing (not that aiming and standing are all that big a task, I am just lazy).

This rant isn't due to the fact that I am unwilling to help women with this admitted deficiency. Rather, I find it infuriating that because women are seemingly unable to check to make sure that the toilet seat is down, they take this anger out on me. It becomes my deficiency, I am less of a person because I cannot remember to put the seat down/lid up. I can understand the embarrassment of urinating on ones self and or falling into a toilet, but getting angry with someone else because you did something foolish is rather immature. In some Asiatic/Middle-eastern countries, they have unisex restrooms where they squat over holes in the ground and "wipe" by splashing water on themselves. I propose a compromise, you may keep complaining and we men shall suffer it for about 10 minutes before taking a hack saw and simply removing the source of debate. Problem solved, you must now "hover".